envy & freedom
by intoxicating.light
Summary: "There is no freedom in this world." Freedom is far too relative; she may be away from the tower but that doesn't mean she is free. - ...Erza finds that even without chains on her wrists her desires still keep her shackled to her past. (Part two of my freedom series- can be read stand alone)


She remembers feeling envious often.

When she was younger, she watched other girls walk around with their parents; they would hold hands and stroll the marketplace. For a split moment, she would feel her chest tighten with a sense of longing and disappointment.

Perhaps in a different world, she would have two parents to welcome her home and clean up her scraped knees.

But in this world she doesn't, pushing the emotions down she heads over to the bakery.

Maybe in another world, someone would hold her hand, but for now, she is just buying bread.

She teaches herself the necessary skills to live; cleaning is an easy task, and the elders take pity on her, giving the young girl small jobs to help her get by.

On a sunny afternoon, she watches a little blond girl get her hair tied into a tight ponytail by her mother; she studies the way the ribbon is used to hold up the short hair.

That night she spends thirty minutes in front of her mirror mimicking the action until it's perfect.

Erza Scarlet is born out of independence, perseverance, and a spirt that will not be broken.

Bright flames cover her village, illuminating the dark starless night as the screams of her neighbors fill the air. Deep crimson running down the ground, the whole scene is like a picture from a religious description of hell.

She finds a young girl yelling for her brother, Mikazuchi's daughter, if she remembers correctly.

For a split moment, she is happy that she doesn't have a family, no one to fear for in this nightmare except herself; she curses herself for feeling that way. It's _sick-wrong-evil- _all of those envious thoughts leave her.

Snapping out of her trance she grabs the dark-haired girl's wrist and pulls her away, ignoring her pleas for her brother, right now she needs to hide this girl.

She may not have her own family to protect, but maybe she can save this one instead.

* * *

In the end, she does save the girl, the price being her own freedom.

Among sobbing children and angry soldiers, Erza finds Kagura's older brother Simon; she grabs his hand and whispers in his ear.

"Your sister is safe."

He looks at her with bright eyes. Whatever words he was going to respond with are cut off as she gives him one small smile and walks away to a corner.

Inside, she promises to keep him safe and protected like his sister, whether out of care or guilt is anyone's guess.

She sits alone; knees tucked to her chest while she calms her breathing, trying her hardest to hold back tears that threaten to spill. What right does she have to cry? What did she lose? The people around her had families and friends, maybe dreams or plans.

At some point, people have either calmed down or have fallen asleep, a young boy with the most beautiful shade of blue for hair starts a conversation with the remaining awake children.

He introduces himself as Jellal Fernandes as the rest of the group goes around giving their full names, when it falls on her she pushes away the envious thoughts once again and responds with a slight smile.

"Nothing, that's all I got. Just plain old Erza."

"Well, you gotta have a last name." The blue boy says, most likely not in a malicious intent, but it still hurts.

She looks down as intrusive thoughts try to take up her mind again.

Before she can register what's happening, the same boy is behind her, his hands running through her hair. The gesture is so foreign for her; she pulls away as heat starts pooling in her cheeks.

"Such beautiful scarlet hair…" He speaks in awe. Hesitantly she turns to look at him.

"Scarlet?"

"That's it! Why don't we call you Erza Scarlet." He exclaims, and at that moment she feels something new.

Her heart pounds against her chest. It feels like drinking cold water after being in the sun all day, she isn't sure exactly what this new feeling is, but she loves it.

"I like that a lot, from now on I'll be Erza Scarlet." For the first time, she feels ultimately whole.

"That's perfect; now I'm never gonna forget your name, all I gotta do is think about your pretty hair."

As he speaks the tattoo framing, his face stands out in the same shade of red.

Perhaps her missing piece wasn't her name, but this boy, maybe he is what she has been waiting for.

For the first time, she isn't envious at all because she has something that's her own.

_(Unbeknownst to her, years later she will look back and realize this wasn't merely hers, but his as well. He named her, practically taking ownership of her very existence; the first of many threads forever tying them together.)_

Over time she stops feeling envious all together. Everyone lives each day in pain, manual forced labor, taking tolls on their bodies while malnutrition destroys them internally.

Yet they have each other, for the first time she has a family, Milliana holds her hand, Jellal lets her sleep in his arms, Grandpa Rob cleans up her injuries.

It's almost funny how she is living out what she always wanted, but in a nightmare that never ends.

Of course, things go wrong; life is never that simple; she leads a revolt, gains her _freedom_, gets all of her hard work thrown back at her, and awakes on a beach alone.

* * *

Before she can even register the ocean water in her throat or the excruciating pain of her injuries, the intrusive thoughts come back. As if they stocked piled up when she was content so that they could return and hit her tenfold this very moment.

A cocktail of_ guilt-pain-fear-sadness-rage-confusion_ all swarming around.

She screams.

This is too much; it's as if her entire essence is being swallowed whole by every negative emotion, she doesn't want to die, but the idea of slipping into the water and letting it carry her away doesn't sound that bad.

Instead, she lets the moon hear her pain, yells until her throat is horse, and her body is too weak to stay awake.

When the sun rises, she uses all her willpower to push her emotions down. She is made of independence and perseverance; she has no choice but to keep going.

Being around the Fairy Tail guild makes her emotions float to the surface, and it's so painful, she cannot get sucked back into those feelings again, the eyepatch she must now wear is a reminder of why.

When she first met Makarov she nearly threw up. The man stated his name and title with so much pride and a welcoming smile on his face.

Just saying her name was like drinking acid, memories, and feelings, all trying to take over her body.

"I am Erza… Scarlet, Grandpa Rob told me about you."

Yet this man who her Grandfather spoke so highly of could say his name with such joy, _envy-envy-envy _–stop_._

It got worse and worse with each person she met.

Groups of friends would sit around the guild laughing, filled with content –_stop. _

Sweet girls her age with no scars lining their bodies, so blissfully unaware of constant pain –_stop._

_Names-families-hope-dreams-love –stop._

All of them with their freedom –_envy._

One evening she sits in the guild while most members are out, it's quiet, she lets herself get lost in her thoughts.

For just a minute, she wishes she was back at the tower, only to be whole again, to feel like she wasn't a hollow shell of a weak little girl- _ guilt. _

_How could you wish that? You failed your family, all they wanted was out, and you were too weak to make that happen. Go back? When all they wanted was to get out. How selfish can you get? - _**SHUT-UP-SHUT-UP.**

_This isn't freedom, just a new tower of your own making. _

She wants to cry or scream or anything but sit here and suffocate.

Grabbing the sword she was able to buy after her first job, she heads out into the training grounds to practice until her body can't move, bones ache, and she is strong enough to fight back.

She will be the knight in this story, storm the tower, and win the war. She must save everyone if she wants her freedom.

There is no room for envy anymore.

She has to work now, or else she will never save _him. _

He is once again her missing piece; she _needs_ him.

* * *

**Notes:**

Well, that was 3/4 a cup of angst and 1/4 fluff.  
It's been a hot minute since I updated this story, sorry about that.

But let's talk about how well-fed the Jerza stans have been, we got those beautifully animated finale season scenes.  
The basically crackhead Jellal moments in 100-year quest. Plus that lovely artwork for Jerza day.

I do have one thing to point out if anyone else has noticed this but, Jellal is super open with his feelings about Erza when he is under mind control.

Like, he told Erza he loved her right before he tried to kill her in the tower arc.

Then we get this whole, "I must have Erza/I'm stripping because I'm in front of you."

And my all-time favorite "Be loved by the seven stars! HAHAHAHA"


End file.
